Nilaga

I was having some discussion with my good friend CD yesterday about dating and relationships. She said that she was already tired of going out and meeting guys for fun. I shared the same sentiment. Then she mentioned that she is already looking for a relationship that's like "nilaga." Of course I was very intrigued on what she meant so I asked her to elaborate. Here's what she said:

"Nilaga is simple and plain, but it is good for you. It's boring but it makes you feel at home. I want that kind of relationship. You go home from work and you talk about your day with your partner. He will listen to your stories and you enthusiastically listen to his. You sleep on the same bed together at night. On Sundays you buy grocery together."

It was so beautiful. Had I been a straight guy, I would have already made "nilaga" with CD. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.

I have considered myself old-fashioned when it comes to dating and relationships, to a point where friends label me a "Disney Princess." My many attempts to be old-fashioned freaked out guys I dated and those stories have been a constant punchline when I hang out with my friends. I am a bit embarrassed, yes but not because I am old-fashioned, but because I couldn't substantiate that old-fashioned can work.

In this day and age of Facebook and Grindr, it is very easy to meet guys with just a click. However, these do not guarantee longevity of relationships. Having presented lots of options can make a guy easily switch to the next once he finds a flaw or he finds the next hotter guy on the list. Then there's the complication of dynamics. There are those partnered couples who play together, partnered couples who secretly play behind each other's backs, guys into NSA fun only, guys who want a relationship ASAP, which can sometimes spell trouble. I have involved myself in some of those guys but could not find myself in that kind of setup on a long-term basis. This is when my old-school thinking works for my disadvantage.

Yes, I am old-fashioned. When I am committed to someone, I remain faithful and loyal. I do not like the idea of liking or loving someone else other than my partner. I value fidelity. I like the idea of being able to talk freely and honestly to my significant other. I enjoy listening more than speaking but sometimes a good partner also makes me enjoy speaking and sharing my thoughts and opinions. I like laughing. I am drawn to someone who can laugh with me (not just at me) and can also manage to laugh at himself.

I am old fashioned that I enjoy the cliche. I do enjoy taking long walks, doing chores together, going to church together and traveling together. Those simple things for me give a lot of opportunity to get to know the person and determine your compatibility.

I am old-fashioned such that simple gestures of affection really get to me. Sweet gestures make an ordinary day seem like Christmas. And these simple gestures create memories that are worth cherishing.

I am old-fashioned in terms of keeping promises and apologies. Do not make promises you cannot keep. Do not say sorry for the sake of saying sorry. Talk is cheap. It is in the doing where one's word create more weight and value.

Yes, call me old-fashioned. If being old-fashioned will help me get that elusive "Nilaga" then I wouldn't mind being one at all.

Note to Self

Let go of these illusions – of love, of happiness. Just be open to whatever life gives or throws at you. People who left you have learned to move on without you. And so should you. You were able to do it before. Now isn’t a different case. I know you really liked him, but you created this illusion that what you had with him will be forever. And now you couldn’t let go.

Things change. People change. Just learn to ride with it.

blueboy, the pole apprentice

i got inspired writing this when i read christina dy's story on the humble beginnings of polecats manila. 

the first time i heard of polecats was through a friend, who invited me to watch their second anniversary show. i was amazed at the moment i saw their pictures hanging on the gallery at philamlife theater doing their splits and tricks on the pole. i was more amazed when i got to see them perform during the show, as in literally teary-eyed at the awesomeness that my eyes were witnessing. seeing the polecats perform while manila philharmonic orchestra was playing was sheer delight. at the end of the show, i told myself jokingly that next year i will be performing in a stage, doing tricks in the pole.

it is pretty funny how the heavens listen to your secret desires and how they grant them to you.

november 2011 was when i signed up for the men's pole classes, led by tomcat aj bautista. i had very little expectations during that class. all i wanted to experience is how it feels to do the tricks, if it's going to be easy or difficult. aj is very supportive and flexible in terms of catering to the capabilities of each of his students. he would always encourage you to do more while improving on the very fundamental matters such as pointing your toes. he makes the tricks look easy (of course he's a tomcat!). day 1 ended and i was hooked! i get a feeling of accomplishment every time i finish a class, even though most of the time i am exhausted and feeling a lot of body pains even two days after the class. but i keep on coming back because i am having a great time. i also enjoy the company of my classmates (also known as the tigers) because i feel a deep sense of empathy whenever i am having difficulty in doing a particular trick, and a shared sense of victory when we get to perfect the tricks. each of the tigers have their strengths and weaknesses, but we do not compete against each other. we always encourage each other to keep on trying until we get it right. i even have a classmate who has his own pole at home, so he invites us over to practice and try different stuff (such as doing the female tricks behind our polecats teachers).

Me with a fellow tiger doing doubles tricks on pole

A fellow tiger practicing at home

there's a lot of camwhoring after the class, because we take pride in what we have learned and accomplished during class. we see ourselves evolving little by little as we take a level higher in terms of tricks learned.

Me camwhoring

A fellow tiger performing a boomerang from shoulder mount

december 2011 came and the polecats are planning to have their christmas party. without batting an eyelash, the tigers growled, "magpeperform kami!" we never felt the pressure, we just wanted to represent. while our female counterparts are practicing their choreography with their respective teachers, the tigers are coming up with our own choreography, leveraging on the tricks we can do so far. the teachers and students have their full support in our project and boy did we perform! we were instant celebrities within the pole community.

A photo of our Christmas Party performance

polecats manila has opened doors to spread pole love even more by teaching men's class. but it opened a much bigger door for me when i got a message from teacher aj last march 2012. it read:

Dearest XXX, in behalf of Polecats Manila I have nominated you as a candidate to be a future Tomcat. We will be having our first briefing on Monday,March 5, 2012 at 7pm, in Mister Kebab, Pearl Plaza. Please send me a text or message me here to confirm your attendance. I wish you the best of luck.

i was speechless for a brief moment. at first i could not believe it. i am not exactly the most skilled student in class as i could not perform most of the tricks that involved inverting. but i saw it as an opportunity to improve. i said yes and attended the briefing. 

it has been a month since then and i enjoy every moment of being an apprentice. i get to help out with the administrative tasks in the studio. i get to assist in actual polecats manila gigs. i also get to help out in setting up their new studio. what i enjoy is that i get to bond with the members of the polecats and know them on a personal level. they are such hardworking people but really fun people as well. the polecats members have treated each other like family, always looking after each other, setting aside personal issues for the greater good, which is the growth of the company. polecats manila was established through hardwork and passion and it truly gives me great joy and pride being a part of it as their apprentice. 

Me and some Polecats painting the studio reception table. Photo by Christina Dy

i still do not know what my fate will be after the apprentice program, but whether i make the cut or not, it will not end my love for pole and polecats manila. polecats have treated me as if i am already a part of their group and with that i am forever grateful. 

Scare Yourself a Little

When I was young(er), I have always lived life on the safe zone. Deretso uwi parati after school even during the time when I was staying in a dormitory during college. And when I get home I do not do anything extraordinary naman like watch TV, do my homework then go to sleep. I never saw something wrong with that but now I feel like I did not do much living back then. No interesting story to share to other people about my younger days. When the worst things happen to a person, it shakes his whole being. Either he does things to completely destroy himself or propel himself to a greater sense of being. I have done both. I won't focus anymore on the former and will just share the positive, scary, life-changing activities I have done.

1. Ride a roller coaster - I have such fear of heights. I don't really know what gets into me when I ride a roller coaster, but I totally would regret it if I don't get in one. The rush that I get from riding it is scary and exciting. I end up screaming and laughing even though my body feels like it's going to collapse any time soon.

2. Water rafting - in a way similar to the roller coaster but has an added unpredictability. i get a good feeling of accomplishment every time we get through a series of crashing waves.

3. Cliff diving - I did this with a bunch of friends during a trip in Cagayan de Oro. I never knew that the nature trek that we signed up for would include cliff diving. Given my fear of heights, this was really a big obstacle. I was going through a difficult phase during that time so I just felt like doing it because at that point I felt like I have nothing to lose (except for my life if i didn't survive the landing?). So I shook my friends' hands and started to jump. That moment happened so fast but in my mind the feeling of falling felt like forever. I immediately got a new-found respect from my heterosexual friends that time given that I was the first one to jump without any hesitation.

4. Yoga - yes, even though yoga can bring relaxation and calm, some of the yoga poses can be pretty intimidating and scary. i attended regular yoga classes fresh out of a bad breakup. during the second session, my yoga teacher asked if i wanted to do a headstand and i was like, "whut?!?" again, at that point i felt like i have nothing to lose anyway so i said yes. the two things he told me were, "trust me, i am here," and "let go of your fear." those two things, trust and fear, are connected. if you trust, you can easily let go of your fear. 

5. Be out in public, in costume - just this Halloween, I organized a costume party among my friends at my place. A friend suggested that we parade in costume while on our way to the convenience store to buy ice. The idea totally freaked me out. But since they were all for it (and I was wearing a mask anyway), I yielded. It was fun to see the people's reaction when they saw us all in costume walking in the streets and buying at a convenience store like an ordinary person. We took it up a notch by showing up at the Black Party in Malate donning our costumes (if you saw a guy wearing a Green Lantern costume in Malate that night, yes that was me). It was a liberating experience because I never felt so ridiculous and yet people who saw us didn't really mind. Some even had their photos taken with us.

 6. Pole [dancing] - technically, I can't officially brand it as pole dancing since I am not gyrating sensually in the pole. A friend talked me into it, saying that I can easily do the routines. Doing the climbs, inversions and spins kind of brings me back to that feeling of a kid who has no qualms in trying the monkey bars, without fear of injury. At the end of the day I end up with bruises, body aches and big smile on my face, knowing what I have accomplished.

 Most of the things that hold us back is due to FEAR - of the unknown, of the possible consequences, of the humiliation. But the beauty of not knowing what lies ahead is you get to discover new things when you take the plunge. You discover a new learning when the outcome is bad. You unleash a side of yourself that you think you do not possess. You gain bits of wisdom, pride and confidence along the way. So go ahead. Once in a while do something that scares you so you can live a little, but gain a bit more.

Post Halloween kwento

I was listening to the Becky Nights video podcast and they were talking about the paranormal. I know it's a bit late na for Halloween to share scary stories but I do have some experiences I consider paranormal. Kwento 1: During my high school vacation, I usually stay at home because we do not have house help during those times. I normally take my afternoon naps and in one of those naps while I was half asleep, I heard a pronounced breathing beside me and at the same time, i felt the bed move as if someone else laid there beside me. Kwento 2: Back in 2002, I was brought to the US for some work-related training. The 3rd week was allotted for some free time so I spent that week with office mates. We stayed at one of our office mate's relative who lives in New Jersey. We stayed at their basement which acted as their guest room. I was unpacking some of my stuff while waiting for my other friend to finish using the wash room. When she was done, she closed the toilet door and started unpacking her stuff as well. From my peripheral vision, I noticed a woman with long hair in white night gown passed by, opened the toilet door and disappeared. I ignored it for a moment but then out of curiosity I asked my other friend if she noticed a woman passing by. To my surprise she said yes and we all freaked out. We all slept in one bed that evening. Kwento 3: I used to stay in a 2-bedroom condominium with some male house mates who are working within the area. One of my housemates has a third eye. He is the kind who can see, hear and communicate with these unseen elements. He would usually share experiences with us pertaining to his "skill." There was one time that he mentioned that there is a presence staying in our condominium but was afraid to elaborate thinking that it would freak the rest of our housemates out. One morning while I was preparing for work, I was fixing myself at the mirror. I noticed while I was dressing up, that the door to my room slowly opened. From my peripheral vision, I noticed that a woman in white shirt and black skirt was watching me. I ignored what happened thinking that it's too early for me to process such occurrence. The same evening when my housemate with the third eye arrived from work, I told him about what happened. I asked him if the presence he's seeing in our condo was a woman in white shirt and black skirt, and he confirmed what I saw. Kwento 4: We have an indoor pet dog and she is used to sleeping in my bed when she was still alive. A few days after she died, I would still feel her hopping on my bed and sleeping beside me. I always hear people say that we must fear the living, because they still have the capability to do us harm. The manifestations I have experienced are good examples because nothing really bad happened to me. These elements could be helpful spirits watching over us, wanting nothing from us but our company or our prayers.

in the meantime

wow. second entry. i felt obligated to write something a little more positive given that my comeback entry was kind of depressing. i know that at this moment the possibility of loving again is quite a far fetched idea for me, so i just preoccupy myself with some things that i think might help me (or possibly other people when you go through what i've been through) heal properly and gracefully.

1. yoga - this is where i found complete solace. meditation and yoga helped me find focus and taught me how to accept my flaws and limitations and to let go. it also taught me to appreciate the simple things in life such as the very breath that i take each day. i made some friends in the yoga practice as well.

2. work out - all the pent up anger and frustration has to go and there's no better place like the gym.

3. run - i actually hate running but i got into the habit of joining fun runs for the mere torture. but running 10k actually trains me mentally - that if i can endure running for an hour, then maybe i can take on the more difficult challenges in my life.

4. sing - i love videoke. even though i am not vocally talented, i find joy in singing with friends. and when someone is emotional, that is when singing becomes really heartfelt (e.g. try singing cueshe's ulan).

5. laugh - i try not to read or watch anything really sad or serious lately because i easily get affected, so i watch a lot of comedy programs such as little britain and cougar town. sometimes i just lose myself laughing out loud and it feels good.

6. pray - a lot. i feel like every moment of my day i talk to God, asking for guidance, for patience, for clarity. i pray for some sort of intervention so that i will be able to move on and i really believe that He listens to my prayers.

it was said that you won't be able to see and appreciate the beautiful things in your life without experiencing some rough patches. my experience was truly an eye opener for me that despite the loss that i have experienced, there is so much to gain. happiness is still possible if you let it happen.

i'm back?

it has been a long time since i opened this. i actually forgot that i created this blog in the first place. and it's just sad that i returned here because of certain challenges in my life right now. i was told by someone that i should write down my feelings, especially when i'm upset. that's the main reason why i am here again.

i fell in love. yes, i never thought it would happen again and it did. and unfortunately the guy i fell in love with did not feel the same way. worse part is, he was not brave enough to tell me that so our "relationship" went on for months until such time that i discovered in his phone that he was being intimate with someone else. it was such a devastating thing because i allowed myself to be emotionally accessible and i got screwed up big time. and now after such damage, i don't think that there's something left for us to salvage, not even the friendship that we had. i realized that there were a lot of things he wasn't open enough to tell me from the start, that he can easily share with his other friends online.

this taught me a lot about the lessons in life. lessons about acceptance. about the value of trust. and the value of faith. i do not usually pray daily, but from this i found myself praying almost every moment i can. the priest from the mass yesterday said something about casting your pains and sorrows to the Lord and trusting the immensity of God's mystery. i teared up listening to the priest because for the past months that's what i constantly feel. pain.

i feel so damaged, derailed even. but every morning i always get this strength to get up and go on with my life. i constantly pray for intervention and that's what i always get - through my friends, work and family.

going back to the lesson in acceptance, i accepted a lot of things from this experience. i accepted the fact that love does not happen instantly. love cannot be forced. falling in love has risks. i have accepted that i am not in a good state to be in love again at this point. that i need a lot of healing and breathing time to be able to learn to trust someone again. i have accepted my flaws as a person and that is something that i need to work on.

it might seem sad that i came back in this state, but i'm pretty optimistic that the worst is over. there's no other way but up.

february fever

ang bilis. pebrero na naman. parang utot lang na dumating ang enero. brace yourselves, people. humanda na sa sandamakmak na pula at puso sa kung saan saan. kanina lang ang dami kong nakitang valentine ads sa internet. sa guadalupe naman, heart-shaped donuts, sa office, mga offers ng flower deliveries. parang all of a sudden it sets you into panic mode and start to re-evaluate your capability to actually have a valentine this valentine's day. well, at least that's how i was programmed during my past life. right now i do not seem worried, nor bothered with the upcoming february hoolabaloo. ika nga ni oprah, "you don't have to be 'in love' to have a happy valentines. pero sa totoo lang, nakakatuwa around this time kasi people tend to have a positive aura at sadyang mapagbigay sila and less cranky. andyan yung barrage of flowers sa office coming from mystery men (or women) that really brings a good vibe at work. you will really see the effort of these guys to make it a memorable day for their significant others. mas tagos sa puso ang mga love songs at mas tagos sa bulsa ang gastos, hehehe!

kung ang motto nung isang Christmas song ay "kahit hindi Pasko ay magbigayan," ang motto naman dapat ng valentines ay, "kahit hindi Valentine's ay magmahalan." oo na, ang baduy, pero it's pretty basic. hindi naman kailangan ng ganitong kabonggang hype para ipakita mo sa tao na mahal mo sila. at hindi naman dapat limitado sa iisang araw for you to show a romantic gesture. at hindi naman kailangang magjowa at mag asawa lang naman ang magcelebrate nito, kundi bawat isa sa ating capable magmahal at mahalin.

advanced happy valentine's to all. don't forget to share the love.

oh, it's 09!

another new year. wow. i saw on tv that the year of the ox will be good for those born in the year of the monkey (that's me) so woohoo to that. i don't know what to expect this year but as usual, i remain optimistic. and thankful. first of all, for typing this blog with all ten fingers still intact. for all the leftover food that need to be munched on. for waking up each day knowing i'm still alive. for the barrage of text messages from friends knowing you're remembered. for work-related e-mails knowing that i still have a job. for the simple comforts in life that i tend to underestimate. 2008 has brought me so much memories that a whole year isn't enough to cramp them all in. i consider 2009 as a part 2 of my 2008 but with an additional challenge to upgrade myself. to be more patient, understanding and optimistic to whatever this year will bring for me. i will try to make my life more substantial looking from an outside-in perspective rather than inside-out. i will try to contribute as much as i can in order to be productive. and i will try harder this time.

may everyone's 2009 be filled with great memories and even greater lessons to learn. cheers!

she's the one

to the person...

who taught me respect above everything else...

who made me appreciate the simple things in life...

who remained strong amidst the turmoil...

who never judged me and said "i told you so" whenever i commit mistakes...

who understood me without having to explain...

who loves me unconditionally...

Happy Birthday Mommy!

I love you.

new love(s)

here is just a quick rundown of stuff recently seen/experienced/purchased:

dean and trent - affordable office and trendy casual wear located inside crossings department store at shangri-la mall. very interesting pieces. website also has a catalogue of their stocks and if you sign up, you can even order and have it delivered right at your doorstep.

pocari sweat - refreshing drink after a strenous physical activity. lightly flavored so hindi nakakasawa.

mandaya moore-orlis - not really sure if the blog posts are actually true or something that the writer cooked up. nevertheless they're hilarious.

trese - from the combined forces of writer budjette tan and artist kajo baldisimo, trese delves on the adventures of detective alexandra trese as she solves crimes of supernatural origin in manila.

davao tuna grill's sinuglaw - aside from their monster squid, i personally like their sinuglaw, a combination of grilled liempo (sinugba) and fish kinilaw.

nivea sport - body wash for hair and body. love the refreshing citrus scent.

japan 88 peso stores - interesting pieces for home and office all for 88 pesos (some are 55).

holiday

the thing about holidays is that you can never get enough of it. good thing is that for a few moments you get to leave your mundane life and become someone else. you forget the monotony of your daily activities and you become spontaneous. you get to clear your mind off distractions and make new realizations as you go along. that's what how my recent holiday was like.

my friends have been away for so long that meeting them was the greatest highlight of my vacation. totally beats talking to them online. it's like they never left. a lot of catching up has happened and i cherish every moment of it.

i got to know new folks as well: aston, michael, andre, jojo, leslie and patrick showed me how fun spontaneity can be, and that living a life with regret is one not worth spending.

a big take home from this brief experience was the realization that in order for you to get the things that you want and be truly happy, you need want it so bad because it will drive you to plan and work hard for it, no matter what it takes. you have to want it for the right reasons or else the drive will just wither in time.

i truly appreciate everyone for making my holiday something worth remembering.

things i love about the 80's

no matter how times have changed, technology has improved and trends have evolved, there is still a huge chunk in my heart that's dead set on the very colorful and interesting era - the 1980's. it's the period that's unique on its own and i'm very proud to be a part of it.

street games - do kids nowadays still play patintero, tumbang preso, luksong tinik, piko, sha-to? do you even see children playing outside their homes at all? the children in our village would convene on an empty lot every four in the afternoon to play. it was a great time to socialize and have an active body as well.

peak of pinoy talent - in my opinion, the 80's is the golden age of pinoy talent, whether it be in the field of music, tv or movies. joey albert, kuh ledesma, martin nievera would come up with original songs and became instant hit after hit after hit. there wasn't any room for revivals then and it was good.

funny comics - i always get a laugh reading lilit bulilit, niknok and bing bam at bung. we used to have a whole compilation of these comics because our parents found it a good way for us to read.

entertaining ads - who can ever forget the yc bikini brief jingle or where arthur's pants and barong is located? what about the theme song of the faces disco ad? everytime i would hear enya's "watermark" it would always remind me of the encarnacion bechaves ad. what about r.a. homevision? tacky...hilarious... i love it!

cartoons - i always adored voltron lion force over voltez five. i was so amazed how these robotic lions (which i thought were just tigers because they didn't have manes) would come from various locations and converge and form the voltron force. i also thought that the little kid was a girl because he was wearing what seemed like headband. i also anticipate astro boy every saturday morning as he battles out evil giant robots out to harm his city. there's also gummy bears where these cute adorable uhm... bears get hyper as they drink this certain potion. who would even miss care bears and rainbow brite in all it's colorful (and gay) glory?

music - 80's music made it's mark and is still being heard up to now. our lips are sealed? not a hilary duff original, people. the beat that you hear in rihanna's SOS? that's tainted love by soft cell (not by pussycat dolls, please). lately, there have been a lot music now that used 80's music as reference. i wonder if somebody would remake designer music by lipps inc.?

old-fashioned - i'm not talking about the clothes (well, not just yet). people then are less lazy i suppose. people memorized phone numbers, they send hand written mails or send telegrams and people have the patience to wait.

fashion - legwarmers, chuck taylor, leather jacket, one piece glove, aqua net, miami vice look, punky brewster look. pretty interesting (and embarrassing) fashion trends.

the 80's is still very much present in today's world one way or another. it just goes to show how great the 80's was and that it is always here to stay.

LSS - I don't know why

last night i kept tossing and turning in my bed and this song kept playing in my head for no apparent reason. it suddenly reminded me of an episode in MEDIUM where patricia arquette kept hearing Gloria Gaynor's "I WILL SURVIVE."

i just had to blog it hoping that when the time that i look back at this, i might actually make some sense out of my strange night.

Kylie Minogue - Put Yourself In My Place

I can't take this situation
It's making me feel so blue
One moment you walked into my life
And now
You're saying that we're through

I hear that you're in love now
Baby, don't know what to say
I can't believe that I still feel this way
I hear that you're in love now
Baby, don't know what to say
Let the falling decide
You won't be mine
Put yourself in my place

You know something will come around
You're gonna put yourself
(Put yourself) in my place
When your lovers bring you down
And there no-one else around
You're gonna put yourself
(Put yourself) in my place

There's no rhyme or reason
(Rhyme or reason)
That keeps me playing along
(That keeps me playing along)
I guess, that I'll just keep on believing
Inside you love will;
Know right from wrong

You know something will come around
You're gonna put yourself
(Put yourself) in my place
When your lovers bring you down
And there no-one else around
You're gonna put yourself
(Put yourself) in my place

My guy

Let me tell you about the most important guy in my life: My dad.

I can honestly say that I never really know my Dad that well. Bits and pieces of his life would just come from conversation with with relatives. He enjoys talking but does not talk much about his life. So I would just share some things about him through my own experiences.

My dad came from a big family. During the Japanese time, it wasn't such a great idea. He had a difficult time as a kid but learned to make the most of it. He did odd jobs to help him finish school and get a decent job.

I was very attached to my dad when I was young. I would recall crying every morning when I wake up and he's already on his way out of the house. So the helper would make it a point that I wake up a little later to avoid that kind of drama.

He's very attentive to our studies. I even got used to asking him every question in my homework and writing his responses verbatim. Sometimes I would complain that he has very lengthy responses to very short and simple questions.

He is a patient man. I can only recall a few times that I got spanked or even scolded by him (hmm.. probably my mom did that most of the time). As a silent moral teacher, we siblings learned to be responsible for our own actions.

Like most fathers, he is a good provider to his family. At some point, I even misconstrued that his work was more important than his own family. But the truth is, he spends most of his time at work in order to provide us with a comfortable life.

My father experienced some rough times before retirement. Because of some problems at work, he got into a phase of depression. I got a call from a hospital near our home that our father was there, injured. When we rushed in to get him, I was surprised that he was drunk. He was holding on to me, crying and apologizing over and over. I have never seen my dad in such low spirit. I realized that he too also needs us, the way we need him.

As a retired government employee, my dad is already enjoying the fruits of his labor. He enjoys spending time at home: doing some gardening, carpentry, looking after our pets, browsing the internet. He has the tendency to be makulit at times for lack of something to do. Since all his children are already living in separate homes, he would always anticipate weekends as a time for us to be together again.

Whenever I feel sad about not having everything I want, my home would always remind me that I have everything I ever needed. My dad included.

Happy Father's Day!!!

nosebleed kung nosebleed

kutob

ang mga hayop ay pinagkalooban ng natatanging talento upang makaramdam ng nagbabadyang panganib. sila kadalasan ang unang nakakaalam kung mayroong bagyo o lindol na sasalanta sa isang lugar. hindi man tayo ganito ka sensitibo sa mga natural na elemento, ang iba'y pinagkalooban naman ng natatanging pakiramdam - ang kutob.

ngunit ano nga ba ang kutob? isa ba itong babala sa mga maaaring mangyari kinabukasan? isang patikim sa katotohanang hindi mo gustong malaman?

minsan ang kutob ay dulot ng paulit ulit na masasamang pangyayari sa ating buhay. kapag nagsisimula ang isang pangyayaring naranasan na natin dati, nagkakaroon tayo ng preconceived notions na alam na natin ang kasunod na hahantungan. kapag ang isang maybahay ay nahuling may kasamang iba ang kanyang asawa, sa susunod na pagkakataon ay magkakaroon na siya ng kutob sa tuwing ginagabi ng uwi ang kanyang mister.

kung sa ganitong sitwasyon natin ibabase, may parehong mabuti at masamang dulot ang kutob. bagamat ang kutob ay naghahanda sa atin sa anumang masamang mangyari, ginagawa tayong praning ng kutob at nahihirapan nang magtiwala. kapag nagkamali ang kutob, nahihirapan tayong tanggapin ang katotohanan kahit na ito'y nakaharap at nakatitig na sa ating mukha.

natutulungan man tayo ng kutob, hindi niya naibibigay ang tamang sagot o solusyon sa mga pangyayari sa ating buhay.

reciprocity is key

in biology, we were taught various relationships that occur in the animal kingdom which very much apply to humans. there's the predator-prey (the one-night stand), parasite-host (the sugar daddy) and symbiosis (pure bliss). we all aim to achieve the third kind but as humans, we tend to complicate things. thanks to our peptides, we now have EMOTIONS in the way. love to be specific. it makes us feel and do crazy things. we subject ourselves to be objects of lust in order to feel loved. we allow ourselves to be sugar daddies/mommies thinking that the only way to make our lovers stay is to smother them with gifts and undying attention.

in order to achieve symbiosis, reciprocity is key. reciprocity denotes ACTIVE mutual involvement. involvement out of sincerity and not of necessity. most relationships die down because the conscious effort to be involved wears off (the thinking that you pretty got used to being with that person that nothing seems extraordinary anymore). in reality, it's not the situation that has changed, it's your involvement. you choose to detach yourself from being involved, probably because you are not in love after all, or you realize you are not yet ready to subject yourself to that kind of serious commitment. failed reciprocity also comes from incompatibility, whether physical, emotional and even sexual. another contributing factor is diversity of love language between the couple. a "tactile" lover might not appreciate praises from a "vocal" lover.

reciprocating love is something that is willingly done and should not be seen as an obligation. symbiosis is a give-and-take arrangement. as stated in my earlier post:

"don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life. relationships work best when they are balanced."

first cut is the deepest...

nakigaya lang ako sa blog ni candy pangilinan about the many firsts in her life so that made me ponder on my own firsts. ililista ko lang and make small kwento about each item.

first song - hindi ko alam kung gaano katotoo pero kinakanta ko raw nun yung bituing walang ningning nung bata pa ako. o di ba, bata pa lang, jologs na?

first friend - i was in kindergarten at seatmate ko si archie gunay. sobrang likot at kulit na bata so nahawa ako for a brief moment. pinaghiwalay kami ng teacher ko dahil medyo bad influence daw sa akin. mas na enjoy ko siguro yung buhay estudyante kung hindi kami pinaghiwalay noon.

first movie - supergirl at sm cubao. pumasok kami sa sinehan in the middle of the movie so full house na. nung natapos yung movie, natural people would leave the theatres. ang batang shunga sumama sa madla thinking na aalis na kami. buti na lang naabutan ako ng tatay ko kung hindi, nasa studio na ako ni inday badiday na nananawagan.

first communion - i was one of those who were chosen to "perform" the Lord's Prayer. interpretative ekek na puno lang ng mechanical movements like raising your arms, left and right, swaying your torso left and right. first time ko rin magsuot ng white long sleeves with black bow tie - ala waiter ng hotel set in the 1980's.

first honor - nung grade 5 ako. natatandaan kong iyak nang iyak yung dating first honor kasi magagalit daw sa kanya yung nanay nya. that moment was sweet kasi that girl was a total biatch. although hindi na naulit yung moment na yun.

first piano recital - i did two solo pieces and one with my sister. we played "tales from the vienna woods." nakapilipit yung legs ko dun sa paanan nung upuan sa sobrang kabado ko. again, hindi na naulit yun.

first gadget - it was a motorola memo jazz na clear blue. sobrang hip pa yung pagers when i was a sophomore in college. ako lang din halos yung may mobile phone nung mga panahong yon, an ericsson model na papasa nang dumbell sa bigat nung battery.

first heartache - third year college. i was so affected that the mere sight of couples would automatically bring me to tears. took me a month to recover.

first job - accenture. excruciating yung first interview because the interviewer kept interrupting me whenever i explain. didn't expect that i would be chosen so i quickly said yes when they presented me an offer.

first paycheck - bought a copy of harry potter and the sorcerer's stone. hindi ko na maalala kung saan ko pa nagasta yung unang sweldo ko.

first travel abroad - accenture days ulit. was able to go to illinois, san francisco and new york.

first solo travel - i was assigned to participate in a conference in hongkong. nakaka windang dahil ang hirap tanungan ng mga cantonese for directions. napilitang intindihin ang mapa at mag explore on my own.

first time kong malasing - na post ko na dati yun dito. fun yung experience pero horrible yung feeling.

those are just some of the firsts that i could quickly think of and share at the moment. tulad ni candy, marami pa rin akong gustong maranasan for the first time. one thing's for sure, lahat ng first time ay memorable. pinapalago nya ang experience mo as a person, making you grow and evolve.

ikaw, naalala mo pa ba ang first time mo?

pagod sa pagudpud

i went to pagudpud last saturday and stayed there until yesterday. the travel is a bit exhausting but it was worth it when i got there. for those planning to go there, i suggest you take the land transportation instead because there's no morning schedule for air travel. since the land travel is 12 hours in duration, allot 2 days in your vacation for travel.

we stayed at polaris resort in saud beach in pagudpud. steve and me-ann santos are the operators of the place. they were really kind enough to pick us up at the city because there were not land transportation available to take us from laoag airport to pagudpud. during the entire travel, me-ann was able to plan our pagupud tour effortlessly.

since we have a limited time, we didn't waste any more time and started the tour at 7 in the morning. our tour guide cum tricycle driver, vincent, was very patient and accommodating to show us around and give us bits of interesting information about the sites. he even willingly took our pictures.

our first stop was the kabigan falls. entrance was 10 pesos per person plus a stardard tour fee of 100 pesos. it was a 10-15 minute hike to the falls, which was pretty tolerable for someone like me who doesn't really enjoy trekking. seeing the falls took away my exhaustion from the hike and the quick dip surely woke me up.

next stop was the patapat viaduct, which, according to www.waypoints.ph, "is an elevated concrete highway constructed along winding/rocky headlands near the northernmost roadway section in ilocos norte (could be considered second northernmost roadway section in luzon) this viaduct was constructed to solve the problem of landslides in the area which have caused so many vehicular accidents in the past." it's very interesting to note that the view along the viaduct is actually the south china sea!

we then headed to aqua paradiso (entrance fee was 25 pesos), the place where fresh water from the falls and salt water from the ocean meet. the place is suitable for families and group of friends because you can stay there and cook food (the place has grills available in the cottages). a few minutes away was the place they call "paraiso ni anton" where you can actually drink fresh and natural spring water. i didn't see anton though (hekhekhek).

then, vincent took us to bantay Abot cave and took quick snapshots of the cave and its surroundings. a few minutes later, we were welcomed by the breathtaking blue waters of the famous "blue kagoon" or the maira-ira beach. this is very much comparable to bohol and boracay in terms of sand quality and the water clarity. we took a very long walk by the beach so I got pretty burned there (well mostly, my nose took the most blow from the sun's rays).

we took a quick bite at the local market in pagudpud so that we can still see the cape bojeador lighthouse. too bad, the place was not maintained but still, its rustic look made it a sight to behold. last stop was the bangui windmills, which is like nothing I've seen before. fifteen (if I counted them right) humongous windmills along the beach made me feel like I'm in a totally different place.

last stop was the local market to buy the ingredients we need for dinner and breakfast the following day. the resort owners were kind enough to cook our food at no extra cost. and even kind enough to accompany us in getting a ride back to laoag the following day.

admittedly, the travel to pagudpud drained the bejeezuz out of me, but it sure brought a lot of nice memories and great shots in my camera.