Note to Self

Let go of these illusions – of love, of happiness. Just be open to whatever life gives or throws at you. People who left you have learned to move on without you. And so should you. You were able to do it before. Now isn’t a different case. I know you really liked him, but you created this illusion that what you had with him will be forever. And now you couldn’t let go.

Things change. People change. Just learn to ride with it.

blueboy, the pole apprentice

i got inspired writing this when i read christina dy's story on the humble beginnings of polecats manila. 

the first time i heard of polecats was through a friend, who invited me to watch their second anniversary show. i was amazed at the moment i saw their pictures hanging on the gallery at philamlife theater doing their splits and tricks on the pole. i was more amazed when i got to see them perform during the show, as in literally teary-eyed at the awesomeness that my eyes were witnessing. seeing the polecats perform while manila philharmonic orchestra was playing was sheer delight. at the end of the show, i told myself jokingly that next year i will be performing in a stage, doing tricks in the pole.

it is pretty funny how the heavens listen to your secret desires and how they grant them to you.

november 2011 was when i signed up for the men's pole classes, led by tomcat aj bautista. i had very little expectations during that class. all i wanted to experience is how it feels to do the tricks, if it's going to be easy or difficult. aj is very supportive and flexible in terms of catering to the capabilities of each of his students. he would always encourage you to do more while improving on the very fundamental matters such as pointing your toes. he makes the tricks look easy (of course he's a tomcat!). day 1 ended and i was hooked! i get a feeling of accomplishment every time i finish a class, even though most of the time i am exhausted and feeling a lot of body pains even two days after the class. but i keep on coming back because i am having a great time. i also enjoy the company of my classmates (also known as the tigers) because i feel a deep sense of empathy whenever i am having difficulty in doing a particular trick, and a shared sense of victory when we get to perfect the tricks. each of the tigers have their strengths and weaknesses, but we do not compete against each other. we always encourage each other to keep on trying until we get it right. i even have a classmate who has his own pole at home, so he invites us over to practice and try different stuff (such as doing the female tricks behind our polecats teachers).

Me with a fellow tiger doing doubles tricks on pole

A fellow tiger practicing at home

there's a lot of camwhoring after the class, because we take pride in what we have learned and accomplished during class. we see ourselves evolving little by little as we take a level higher in terms of tricks learned.

Me camwhoring

A fellow tiger performing a boomerang from shoulder mount

december 2011 came and the polecats are planning to have their christmas party. without batting an eyelash, the tigers growled, "magpeperform kami!" we never felt the pressure, we just wanted to represent. while our female counterparts are practicing their choreography with their respective teachers, the tigers are coming up with our own choreography, leveraging on the tricks we can do so far. the teachers and students have their full support in our project and boy did we perform! we were instant celebrities within the pole community.

A photo of our Christmas Party performance

polecats manila has opened doors to spread pole love even more by teaching men's class. but it opened a much bigger door for me when i got a message from teacher aj last march 2012. it read:

Dearest XXX, in behalf of Polecats Manila I have nominated you as a candidate to be a future Tomcat. We will be having our first briefing on Monday,March 5, 2012 at 7pm, in Mister Kebab, Pearl Plaza. Please send me a text or message me here to confirm your attendance. I wish you the best of luck.

i was speechless for a brief moment. at first i could not believe it. i am not exactly the most skilled student in class as i could not perform most of the tricks that involved inverting. but i saw it as an opportunity to improve. i said yes and attended the briefing. 

it has been a month since then and i enjoy every moment of being an apprentice. i get to help out with the administrative tasks in the studio. i get to assist in actual polecats manila gigs. i also get to help out in setting up their new studio. what i enjoy is that i get to bond with the members of the polecats and know them on a personal level. they are such hardworking people but really fun people as well. the polecats members have treated each other like family, always looking after each other, setting aside personal issues for the greater good, which is the growth of the company. polecats manila was established through hardwork and passion and it truly gives me great joy and pride being a part of it as their apprentice. 

Me and some Polecats painting the studio reception table. Photo by Christina Dy

i still do not know what my fate will be after the apprentice program, but whether i make the cut or not, it will not end my love for pole and polecats manila. polecats have treated me as if i am already a part of their group and with that i am forever grateful. 

Scare Yourself a Little

When I was young(er), I have always lived life on the safe zone. Deretso uwi parati after school even during the time when I was staying in a dormitory during college. And when I get home I do not do anything extraordinary naman like watch TV, do my homework then go to sleep. I never saw something wrong with that but now I feel like I did not do much living back then. No interesting story to share to other people about my younger days. When the worst things happen to a person, it shakes his whole being. Either he does things to completely destroy himself or propel himself to a greater sense of being. I have done both. I won't focus anymore on the former and will just share the positive, scary, life-changing activities I have done.

1. Ride a roller coaster - I have such fear of heights. I don't really know what gets into me when I ride a roller coaster, but I totally would regret it if I don't get in one. The rush that I get from riding it is scary and exciting. I end up screaming and laughing even though my body feels like it's going to collapse any time soon.

2. Water rafting - in a way similar to the roller coaster but has an added unpredictability. i get a good feeling of accomplishment every time we get through a series of crashing waves.

3. Cliff diving - I did this with a bunch of friends during a trip in Cagayan de Oro. I never knew that the nature trek that we signed up for would include cliff diving. Given my fear of heights, this was really a big obstacle. I was going through a difficult phase during that time so I just felt like doing it because at that point I felt like I have nothing to lose (except for my life if i didn't survive the landing?). So I shook my friends' hands and started to jump. That moment happened so fast but in my mind the feeling of falling felt like forever. I immediately got a new-found respect from my heterosexual friends that time given that I was the first one to jump without any hesitation.

4. Yoga - yes, even though yoga can bring relaxation and calm, some of the yoga poses can be pretty intimidating and scary. i attended regular yoga classes fresh out of a bad breakup. during the second session, my yoga teacher asked if i wanted to do a headstand and i was like, "whut?!?" again, at that point i felt like i have nothing to lose anyway so i said yes. the two things he told me were, "trust me, i am here," and "let go of your fear." those two things, trust and fear, are connected. if you trust, you can easily let go of your fear. 

5. Be out in public, in costume - just this Halloween, I organized a costume party among my friends at my place. A friend suggested that we parade in costume while on our way to the convenience store to buy ice. The idea totally freaked me out. But since they were all for it (and I was wearing a mask anyway), I yielded. It was fun to see the people's reaction when they saw us all in costume walking in the streets and buying at a convenience store like an ordinary person. We took it up a notch by showing up at the Black Party in Malate donning our costumes (if you saw a guy wearing a Green Lantern costume in Malate that night, yes that was me). It was a liberating experience because I never felt so ridiculous and yet people who saw us didn't really mind. Some even had their photos taken with us.

 6. Pole [dancing] - technically, I can't officially brand it as pole dancing since I am not gyrating sensually in the pole. A friend talked me into it, saying that I can easily do the routines. Doing the climbs, inversions and spins kind of brings me back to that feeling of a kid who has no qualms in trying the monkey bars, without fear of injury. At the end of the day I end up with bruises, body aches and big smile on my face, knowing what I have accomplished.

 Most of the things that hold us back is due to FEAR - of the unknown, of the possible consequences, of the humiliation. But the beauty of not knowing what lies ahead is you get to discover new things when you take the plunge. You discover a new learning when the outcome is bad. You unleash a side of yourself that you think you do not possess. You gain bits of wisdom, pride and confidence along the way. So go ahead. Once in a while do something that scares you so you can live a little, but gain a bit more.

Post Halloween kwento

I was listening to the Becky Nights video podcast and they were talking about the paranormal. I know it's a bit late na for Halloween to share scary stories but I do have some experiences I consider paranormal. Kwento 1: During my high school vacation, I usually stay at home because we do not have house help during those times. I normally take my afternoon naps and in one of those naps while I was half asleep, I heard a pronounced breathing beside me and at the same time, i felt the bed move as if someone else laid there beside me. Kwento 2: Back in 2002, I was brought to the US for some work-related training. The 3rd week was allotted for some free time so I spent that week with office mates. We stayed at one of our office mate's relative who lives in New Jersey. We stayed at their basement which acted as their guest room. I was unpacking some of my stuff while waiting for my other friend to finish using the wash room. When she was done, she closed the toilet door and started unpacking her stuff as well. From my peripheral vision, I noticed a woman with long hair in white night gown passed by, opened the toilet door and disappeared. I ignored it for a moment but then out of curiosity I asked my other friend if she noticed a woman passing by. To my surprise she said yes and we all freaked out. We all slept in one bed that evening. Kwento 3: I used to stay in a 2-bedroom condominium with some male house mates who are working within the area. One of my housemates has a third eye. He is the kind who can see, hear and communicate with these unseen elements. He would usually share experiences with us pertaining to his "skill." There was one time that he mentioned that there is a presence staying in our condominium but was afraid to elaborate thinking that it would freak the rest of our housemates out. One morning while I was preparing for work, I was fixing myself at the mirror. I noticed while I was dressing up, that the door to my room slowly opened. From my peripheral vision, I noticed that a woman in white shirt and black skirt was watching me. I ignored what happened thinking that it's too early for me to process such occurrence. The same evening when my housemate with the third eye arrived from work, I told him about what happened. I asked him if the presence he's seeing in our condo was a woman in white shirt and black skirt, and he confirmed what I saw. Kwento 4: We have an indoor pet dog and she is used to sleeping in my bed when she was still alive. A few days after she died, I would still feel her hopping on my bed and sleeping beside me. I always hear people say that we must fear the living, because they still have the capability to do us harm. The manifestations I have experienced are good examples because nothing really bad happened to me. These elements could be helpful spirits watching over us, wanting nothing from us but our company or our prayers.

in the meantime

wow. second entry. i felt obligated to write something a little more positive given that my comeback entry was kind of depressing. i know that at this moment the possibility of loving again is quite a far fetched idea for me, so i just preoccupy myself with some things that i think might help me (or possibly other people when you go through what i've been through) heal properly and gracefully.

1. yoga - this is where i found complete solace. meditation and yoga helped me find focus and taught me how to accept my flaws and limitations and to let go. it also taught me to appreciate the simple things in life such as the very breath that i take each day. i made some friends in the yoga practice as well.

2. work out - all the pent up anger and frustration has to go and there's no better place like the gym.

3. run - i actually hate running but i got into the habit of joining fun runs for the mere torture. but running 10k actually trains me mentally - that if i can endure running for an hour, then maybe i can take on the more difficult challenges in my life.

4. sing - i love videoke. even though i am not vocally talented, i find joy in singing with friends. and when someone is emotional, that is when singing becomes really heartfelt (e.g. try singing cueshe's ulan).

5. laugh - i try not to read or watch anything really sad or serious lately because i easily get affected, so i watch a lot of comedy programs such as little britain and cougar town. sometimes i just lose myself laughing out loud and it feels good.

6. pray - a lot. i feel like every moment of my day i talk to God, asking for guidance, for patience, for clarity. i pray for some sort of intervention so that i will be able to move on and i really believe that He listens to my prayers.

it was said that you won't be able to see and appreciate the beautiful things in your life without experiencing some rough patches. my experience was truly an eye opener for me that despite the loss that i have experienced, there is so much to gain. happiness is still possible if you let it happen.

i'm back?

it has been a long time since i opened this. i actually forgot that i created this blog in the first place. and it's just sad that i returned here because of certain challenges in my life right now. i was told by someone that i should write down my feelings, especially when i'm upset. that's the main reason why i am here again.

i fell in love. yes, i never thought it would happen again and it did. and unfortunately the guy i fell in love with did not feel the same way. worse part is, he was not brave enough to tell me that so our "relationship" went on for months until such time that i discovered in his phone that he was being intimate with someone else. it was such a devastating thing because i allowed myself to be emotionally accessible and i got screwed up big time. and now after such damage, i don't think that there's something left for us to salvage, not even the friendship that we had. i realized that there were a lot of things he wasn't open enough to tell me from the start, that he can easily share with his other friends online.

this taught me a lot about the lessons in life. lessons about acceptance. about the value of trust. and the value of faith. i do not usually pray daily, but from this i found myself praying almost every moment i can. the priest from the mass yesterday said something about casting your pains and sorrows to the Lord and trusting the immensity of God's mystery. i teared up listening to the priest because for the past months that's what i constantly feel. pain.

i feel so damaged, derailed even. but every morning i always get this strength to get up and go on with my life. i constantly pray for intervention and that's what i always get - through my friends, work and family.

going back to the lesson in acceptance, i accepted a lot of things from this experience. i accepted the fact that love does not happen instantly. love cannot be forced. falling in love has risks. i have accepted that i am not in a good state to be in love again at this point. that i need a lot of healing and breathing time to be able to learn to trust someone again. i have accepted my flaws as a person and that is something that i need to work on.

it might seem sad that i came back in this state, but i'm pretty optimistic that the worst is over. there's no other way but up.

february fever

ang bilis. pebrero na naman. parang utot lang na dumating ang enero. brace yourselves, people. humanda na sa sandamakmak na pula at puso sa kung saan saan. kanina lang ang dami kong nakitang valentine ads sa internet. sa guadalupe naman, heart-shaped donuts, sa office, mga offers ng flower deliveries. parang all of a sudden it sets you into panic mode and start to re-evaluate your capability to actually have a valentine this valentine's day. well, at least that's how i was programmed during my past life. right now i do not seem worried, nor bothered with the upcoming february hoolabaloo. ika nga ni oprah, "you don't have to be 'in love' to have a happy valentines. pero sa totoo lang, nakakatuwa around this time kasi people tend to have a positive aura at sadyang mapagbigay sila and less cranky. andyan yung barrage of flowers sa office coming from mystery men (or women) that really brings a good vibe at work. you will really see the effort of these guys to make it a memorable day for their significant others. mas tagos sa puso ang mga love songs at mas tagos sa bulsa ang gastos, hehehe!

kung ang motto nung isang Christmas song ay "kahit hindi Pasko ay magbigayan," ang motto naman dapat ng valentines ay, "kahit hindi Valentine's ay magmahalan." oo na, ang baduy, pero it's pretty basic. hindi naman kailangan ng ganitong kabonggang hype para ipakita mo sa tao na mahal mo sila. at hindi naman dapat limitado sa iisang araw for you to show a romantic gesture. at hindi naman kailangang magjowa at mag asawa lang naman ang magcelebrate nito, kundi bawat isa sa ating capable magmahal at mahalin.

advanced happy valentine's to all. don't forget to share the love.