i'm back?

it has been a long time since i opened this. i actually forgot that i created this blog in the first place. and it's just sad that i returned here because of certain challenges in my life right now. i was told by someone that i should write down my feelings, especially when i'm upset. that's the main reason why i am here again.

i fell in love. yes, i never thought it would happen again and it did. and unfortunately the guy i fell in love with did not feel the same way. worse part is, he was not brave enough to tell me that so our "relationship" went on for months until such time that i discovered in his phone that he was being intimate with someone else. it was such a devastating thing because i allowed myself to be emotionally accessible and i got screwed up big time. and now after such damage, i don't think that there's something left for us to salvage, not even the friendship that we had. i realized that there were a lot of things he wasn't open enough to tell me from the start, that he can easily share with his other friends online.

this taught me a lot about the lessons in life. lessons about acceptance. about the value of trust. and the value of faith. i do not usually pray daily, but from this i found myself praying almost every moment i can. the priest from the mass yesterday said something about casting your pains and sorrows to the Lord and trusting the immensity of God's mystery. i teared up listening to the priest because for the past months that's what i constantly feel. pain.

i feel so damaged, derailed even. but every morning i always get this strength to get up and go on with my life. i constantly pray for intervention and that's what i always get - through my friends, work and family.

going back to the lesson in acceptance, i accepted a lot of things from this experience. i accepted the fact that love does not happen instantly. love cannot be forced. falling in love has risks. i have accepted that i am not in a good state to be in love again at this point. that i need a lot of healing and breathing time to be able to learn to trust someone again. i have accepted my flaws as a person and that is something that i need to work on.

it might seem sad that i came back in this state, but i'm pretty optimistic that the worst is over. there's no other way but up.